Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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