Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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