kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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