Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
