he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
