dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
