Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
