i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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