Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't turn off my feet"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
