Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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