I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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