I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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