I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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