Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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