Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
