Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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