I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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