Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
