i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize