Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Randomize
