operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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