tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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