just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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