i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
