Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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