ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
