My entire life is one complicated drinking game
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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