somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
