Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
