I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
