but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
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