My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
