You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
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Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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