i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
