Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
