I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
