the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
