Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
