time to smoke my breakfast
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We need to get me chipped asap
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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