The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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