In the future we'll all be gay
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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