3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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