ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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