i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
