I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
