Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
