I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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