Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
