You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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