just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
