When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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