remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
