just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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