You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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