Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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